Hey another lil FB note I quite enjoy these and I hope you do too. Today I'll be speaking about our history all the way back to the stone ages. I shall not be speaking about the World wars as they can be a bit upsetting and I might get told off.
Okay here we go.
So British history. Well the first thing that is amazing that was in recorded British history was the best human achievement of all time… stonehenge. Yeah absolutely brilliant a couple of rocks in a circle. Yep it's better than the great wall of china or the pyramids. Yep a load of bloody god darn rocks. I mean how did they get there, well obviously really, it involved humans. Next we move on to the blokes that built Stonehenge you got it Cavemen. Yep the intelligent life forms that got happy over making a fire. Yes very clever. The ones who sacrificed eachother just so as to please the gods, not much different from 20th Century America. But hey at least most of us have evolved. Next we go to the creation of Londinium or as we call it London. Yep they built a shithole. Good work celts. Nope I respect the celts they did good things for us. They started to invent civilization, with some of them being more civilized than the youths of today. Then we had possibly the biggest stag party ever.... The Romans. They came over here in fancy dress, raped our women, acted disorderly and then they took Britian over which is basically what we do when we head over to Majorca. The Romans started to upgrade London's sewer system aswell inventing their version of Thames Water, the only thing is that version was better. Let's also remember the woman who fought back, Boudicca, she didn't like what the leaders were doing so she decided to burn things down and loot stuff, which nowadays is considered a good night out for a chav. Next we have the Saxons. Yep they were big almighty cowards. They waited for the Romans to leave and then walked in. That's like me waiting for my friend to leave his house and steal his Xbox 360. The big scary Saxons (Bloody Germans) they couldn't even cook a fucking cake right! Lazy buggers. Then we have the Vikings (YMCA REPRESENTATIVES) Yep they raided our towns, raped our women and then buggered off. Leaving us in the hands of someone who couldn't even do a decent job of cooking cakes... Thanks Alfred. Then once he kicked the bucket we had cnute the biggest nutter ever. Speaking to water, if he wanted to hold the water back just build the Thames Barrier, simple really. Then we had the Normans.... We got beaten by the French and the Germans got beaten by them aswell! sound familiar? Nope that's because the French get a rock thrown at them and surrender. Then we had a brother and sister that were fighting with eachother to have ownership of an item. That sounds familiar. But seriously couldn't Stephen and Matilda just went on Jeremy Kyle and sorted things out. Next the middle ages a time of great exploration, great conquests and a bloody Long war between England and France, we also had plague to kill the pesants. But they started revolting, not too different from the London Riots either! But the funniest thing about the hundred years war which actually lasted more than a hundred years was when the French captured a longbowman they would chop their 'up yours' fingers off. Now if I was losing a war I'd personally chop their head off. Then came the war of the Roses. Now I'm sorry but the war of the Roses sounds like the local florists have decided to have an arguement, but anyway then came along the Tudors. Henry the eighth the biggest paedofile ever. He got a 15 year old pregnant then to hid his tracks he chopped her head off. First we had Catherine of Aragon that ended up having an element named after her after getting divorced, leading to a fight between Henry and the church. Then we had Anne Boleyn. Yep to get a new wife just chop your old ones head off. Next we had Jane who had a baby and died. Then we had the horse. Then after that we had Miss How akward. Then we had Catherine Parr, who survived Henry, hooray, by a year, oh dear. After henry the eighth we had Edward who died at a young age.... Moving on. Next we had bloody Mary. Shed chop your head off. Ironic though she ends up being an alcholic drink that gives you a headache. Then Elizabeth. The virgin queen. Yeah right. 'I have the heart and stomach of a man' yep Elizabeth and the face of one too. Next we have the Gunpowder plot. Planned by a ninckapoop that forgot that the houses of parliment have security guards. Then we had the English civil war. Yes a 'Civil' war. Because war is civil. Then the great plague. Lead by some rats who caused mayhem and deaths in the poorer areas of London. Sounds familiar. Then a fire that destroyed half the city and lots of churches. It's funny cos Plumstead alone has more churches than London did back then and yes I have counted. The worst thing was. Instead of trying to help some bafoon had the idea of writing a diary instead. Day one: it's very hot in here. Day Two: Shit! hide the cheese. Then we had the Georgians, yep some nutters that thought onions were cool. And who lost to the Americans. (oh the humiliation) next we have the Victorians. Yep the Victorian era a time of plague, war and child labour. Yep where you drank water from the public toilets and it killed you but let's not forget the inventions! The telephone! Hooray! The Steam Train! Hooray. The worst thing is the Crimean war. We don't remember the actual war we remember some bloody woman who held a lamp. That's nothing some of them hold red lights. Then Jack The Ripper. But if we don't know who he is why call him Jack. What if his name was Bob or Dave huh? Next we have the 20th century.I'm not going to start mentioning the war as I respect every man who died in that war so we will move on to 1950. First we see a new queen, only me who can't click why we let a German become the queen just after 1945. Next we have the 1960s, a decade of beatles, drugs and women's rights! Things were going great, even through the 70s and then we have the 80s. A decade of Transvestite Prime Ministers, Riots and Terrorism. Then the 90s, the decade I was born, a decade of umm nothing. No one remembers the 90s as such, don't blame people, it's a bit shit. Then we go to the 21st century. Which started with the government using space we could've built on schools and hospitals on a dome. Woop. Then we went on to have a decade of Asskissing Prime Ministers, Riots and terrorism. Well that's British history I guess.
Hope you enjoyed reading.
James.
